1 00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:37,670 Happy birthday to you. 2 00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:41,490 Happy birthday to you. 3 00:00:42,070 --> 00:00:46,410 Happy birthday, Malcolm Burton. 4 00:00:47,770 --> 00:00:49,790 Happy birthday to you. 5 00:00:51,210 --> 00:00:54,710 It's today, isn't it, ma 'am? Yes, birthday boy. 6 00:00:54,990 --> 00:00:56,890 We've waited a whole year. 7 00:00:57,170 --> 00:00:59,810 My son Malcolm, 37. 8 00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:03,230 Who would have thought it, eh? 9 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:05,930 Are you coming down for your birthday breakfast? 10 00:01:06,670 --> 00:01:08,150 I'd best get dressed, ma 'am. 11 00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:13,810 Oh, come as you are. Leave your jim -jams on. You're king for a day. 12 00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:21,890 Oh, come on, birthday boy. 13 00:01:24,430 --> 00:01:26,570 I've done you eight sodas this morning. 14 00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:28,710 Oh, three mendos. 15 00:01:28,910 --> 00:01:32,250 Oh, it stays like this unless your father wasn't bedridden. 16 00:01:32,750 --> 00:01:34,790 Can I open my cards, ma 'am? Yeah. 17 00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:37,270 Happy birthday, son. 18 00:01:37,690 --> 00:01:38,970 Don't suck me in, you dad. 19 00:01:40,010 --> 00:01:41,010 Oh, thanks. 20 00:01:41,850 --> 00:01:43,810 I bought it because of the lovely words. 21 00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,410 Ahoy, ahoy. 22 00:01:45,690 --> 00:01:46,850 Ahoy, special boy. 23 00:01:47,250 --> 00:01:48,390 Blithe remain, brave. 24 00:01:48,710 --> 00:01:49,689 Anchors away. 25 00:01:49,690 --> 00:01:51,650 We're birthday bound to happiness bay. 26 00:01:51,870 --> 00:01:55,070 And I've tried to continue this nautical theme, you see there. 27 00:01:55,370 --> 00:01:56,149 Oh, yeah? 28 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,550 Aye, aye. Happy birthday, Captain Malcolm. 29 00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:03,640 Because that's your dad's car. 30 00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:06,540 Oh, I think his pen clicked on a bit of flam. 31 00:02:07,740 --> 00:02:08,740 Bingo! 32 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:10,100 £5 postal order. 33 00:02:11,020 --> 00:02:12,380 Oh, who's it to? 34 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:13,920 I don't know. 35 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,620 My love and love, is it Eric? 36 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:21,440 Oh, it's your auntie Morag. Now, don't go getting giddy, young man. 37 00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:23,320 You have to put that to work, I think. 38 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,460 Don't go wasting it on Pop and Chris. 39 00:02:25,740 --> 00:02:26,740 I won't. 40 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:31,080 Oh, well, now you've got all this money, you might not want my present. 41 00:02:32,170 --> 00:02:33,470 Have you got me warm, ma 'am? 42 00:02:33,690 --> 00:02:35,270 Yes. Is it thinning yet? 43 00:02:40,550 --> 00:02:42,770 Cold, very, very cold. 44 00:02:43,230 --> 00:02:44,250 You're cold? 45 00:02:44,950 --> 00:02:48,770 Freezing. Oh, chilly. Still chilly. 46 00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:50,750 Oh, you're jacked fast. 47 00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:54,150 Oh, you're getting warmer, though. 48 00:02:54,430 --> 00:02:55,910 You're getting warmer. 49 00:02:56,150 --> 00:02:57,310 You're getting warmer. 50 00:02:57,830 --> 00:02:59,430 Oh, you better be hot! 51 00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:01,450 It's not cheese, is it? 52 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,260 No, the other shelf. 53 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:06,960 Is this it? 54 00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:08,540 Yes. 55 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:09,940 Oh, 56 00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:13,840 it's that jumper you took me to see the other day. 57 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,019 Yes. 58 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:18,360 Do you remember when I made you close your eyes in the middle of the shop? 59 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,020 And I popped over to the till and bought it as a surprise. 60 00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:24,340 I wonder why you made me try it on. Now you know. 61 00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,240 What time's my party, ma 'am? 62 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:33,500 Four o 'clock prompt. 63 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,820 Blimey, Charlie, that's ages away. 64 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,760 Now, are you ready for the top off your egg poppet? Yes, please. 65 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,660 Now, you must try and get a nap this afternoon so you're fresh for your 66 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:47,180 And don't go throwing off. Everybody has a birthday, you know. 67 00:03:47,700 --> 00:03:51,140 Now, don't forget all that lovely bit there on the top of the egg. 68 00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:52,960 I'm saving that for last. 69 00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,320 Well, don't forget it. 70 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,320 I won't. Well, don't. I won't. Goodbye. 71 00:03:58,850 --> 00:04:04,490 Now, for the party, I'm doing chocolate rice crispy cakes, a big Neapolitan ice 72 00:04:04,490 --> 00:04:11,470 cream, ham sandwiches and potted beef bread fingers, and a big bowl of hula 73 00:04:11,470 --> 00:04:12,470 hoops. 74 00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:14,410 Enough of that whistling, Malcolm. 75 00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:15,750 You're not a kettle. 76 00:04:17,709 --> 00:04:19,990 Can we have baby beetroot, ma 'am? No. 77 00:04:20,490 --> 00:04:24,870 All you do is keep putting your tongue out, show how ready it's gone. You can't 78 00:04:24,870 --> 00:04:27,950 be trusted with baby beetroot, birthday or not. 79 00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:30,190 Baby Beetles, out of the question. 80 00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:36,110 Goodbye. I thought you'd forgot it. 81 00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:38,570 It'll make you grow big and strong. 82 00:04:38,990 --> 00:04:40,750 Oh, your birthday measure. 83 00:04:46,670 --> 00:04:49,810 Hey, chicky dicky, no tiptoes. 84 00:04:52,950 --> 00:04:53,950 Bye. 85 00:04:54,530 --> 00:04:55,790 Same as last year. 86 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,980 for me, Malcolm, will you, love? 87 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:17,740 Hello, Mr. Capstick. 88 00:05:18,020 --> 00:05:19,020 Hello, Malcolm. 89 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,340 Mr. Capstick, ma 'am. 90 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,080 Oh, hello, Arthur. 91 00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:25,900 Come on, sit yourself down. 92 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:28,800 Thank you. It's my birthday, Mr. Capstick. 93 00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:30,580 Oh, what about that then? 94 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,340 I don't know, eh? 95 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,920 You keeping well, Arthur? 96 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,200 Can't complain. 97 00:05:36,430 --> 00:05:37,490 How's your rhubarb? 98 00:05:37,950 --> 00:05:38,950 Going along. 99 00:05:39,070 --> 00:05:40,490 I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 100 00:05:40,850 --> 00:05:43,350 I must bring my Malcolm down to your allotment again. 101 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:45,410 You enjoyed that, Malcolm, didn't you? 102 00:05:45,670 --> 00:05:48,630 When can we go again, ma 'am? Steady on, giddy goat. 103 00:05:49,270 --> 00:05:54,570 Oh, he's overexcited, Arthur. He's having a big birthday party this 104 00:05:54,990 --> 00:05:55,949 Are you, Malcolm? 105 00:05:55,950 --> 00:05:57,790 Oh, I don't know. 106 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,380 Remember that year your tongue was all purple from the baby beetroot? 107 00:06:03,660 --> 00:06:07,620 Oh, we're having none of that malarkey this year. We're having a ban on baby 108 00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:08,820 beetroot this birthday. 109 00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:10,900 How's Mr Merton today? 110 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,780 He's having a good day, Arthur. 111 00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:14,840 Sat him up, gave his hair a comb. 112 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:19,200 Oh, I won't be able to come on Friday. I've got my outpatient appointment with 113 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:19,819 my ticker. 114 00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:22,860 Why don't you have one of those triple R bypasses fitted? 115 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,300 I don't think they'll have time. 116 00:06:25,140 --> 00:06:26,140 It's only a check -up. 117 00:06:26,860 --> 00:06:27,860 Yes. 118 00:06:28,490 --> 00:06:30,310 We're having chocolate rice crispy cakes. 119 00:06:30,630 --> 00:06:32,650 Oh, I don't know. 120 00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:34,790 You're a lucky chap, Malcolm. 121 00:06:36,450 --> 00:06:38,110 How tall are you now? 122 00:06:38,390 --> 00:06:40,430 He's a six footer, I'll tell you that. 123 00:06:40,790 --> 00:06:42,990 Do you know what size his feet are now, Arthur? 124 00:06:43,250 --> 00:06:45,070 I don't know. Do you want to hazard a guess? 125 00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:46,370 No. Twelve. 126 00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:51,330 Mind you, I'm saying that. His slippers are still elevens, but that's Marx's for 127 00:06:51,330 --> 00:06:52,570 you. Size twelve? 128 00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:54,290 Whatever next? 129 00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:58,690 Anyway, I'll pop up to see Mr Merton. 130 00:06:59,110 --> 00:07:00,870 I've brought him a quart of sherbet lemons. 131 00:07:01,190 --> 00:07:02,730 Oh, yeah, good Arthur. 132 00:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,870 I don't know what he'd do without you. 133 00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:13,930 So, are you popping up, Arthur? Oh, yes. 134 00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:21,590 Malcolm, did you press that toilet after you? 135 00:07:23,150 --> 00:07:25,580 How? Oh, oh, it's a lovely war. 136 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,120 Who wouldn't be a soldier, eh? Oh, it's a shame to take the pay. 137 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,000 As soon as we've had it, it's gone. 138 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:36,040 We've filled us as heavy as lead. But we never get off to the sergeant, bring 139 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,520 our breakfast off to bed. 140 00:07:38,060 --> 00:07:40,360 Oh, oh, oh, it's a lovely war. 141 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,820 What do we want with eggs and jam when we've got plum and apple jam? 142 00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:50,720 Form four's right turn. How do we spend the money we earn? Oh, oh, oh, it's a 143 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:51,720 lovely war. 144 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,920 How did you find him? He was asleep. 145 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,180 I left a shove of lemons by the bed. 146 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,780 Oh, that'll be a lovely surprise for him to wake up to. Thank you. 147 00:08:10,340 --> 00:08:14,440 Now, Arthur, there's Garibaldi's, or you can have a bit of Battenberg. 148 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,040 I'll have a Garibaldi. 149 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,820 Battenberg doesn't agree with me. You know where you are with a Garibaldi. 150 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:24,660 Can I have a bit of Battenberg, ma 'am? No, you can wait till your party, hungry 151 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:28,220 Horace. Oh, he's Battenberg farming, that child of mine. 152 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:30,440 Oh, Arthur. 153 00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:32,960 Did you hear about Gordon Gosworth? 154 00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:35,240 He's got a new car with electric windows. 155 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,679 That's a company car, that mummy. He's not bought that himself. 156 00:08:39,299 --> 00:08:41,179 They were always very flashy, them Gosworths. 157 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,780 Peggy Gosworth was telling me he's going in for one of those new Barrett homes. 158 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,700 Oh, I don't know, eh? 159 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,060 Barrett home? 160 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,080 Who'd have thought? 161 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,900 I remember when there were just fields there. 162 00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,140 So do I. 163 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,440 Oh, my Malcolm used to play down there on his space offer. 164 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,700 You know the Goldman that used to be? Then it was the Multiplex Cinema 165 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:06,180 Yes. They're opening a drive -through beef burger place there now. 166 00:09:06,620 --> 00:09:08,340 Oh, they're not, are they? 167 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,200 I forget the name of it. 168 00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:11,700 Begins with M. 169 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,820 That'll attract the wrong sort of people. 170 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:18,220 They reckon people will be driving in, buying a beef burger, then driving away 171 00:09:18,220 --> 00:09:19,220 with it. 172 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:21,000 Who told you that, Arthur? 173 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,440 Alf Carter broke it to me the other day. It's getting more like London every 174 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,440 day. 175 00:09:26,790 --> 00:09:29,210 Another garibaldi? No, thanks, Dorothy. 176 00:09:29,430 --> 00:09:31,090 I've got a nice pork chop defrosted. 177 00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:36,110 Oh, I won't be here on Friday. I've got an outpatient's appointment. 178 00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:37,950 Yes, yes, you said. 179 00:09:39,190 --> 00:09:40,390 Anyway, mess me up. 180 00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:45,290 Hey, Malcolm, what's this behind your ear? 181 00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:49,890 For you, son. 182 00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:51,130 For your birthday. 183 00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:52,550 Oh, brilliant. 184 00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:54,210 Malcolm? 185 00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:55,880 Thanks, Mr Capstick. 186 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,420 Oh, he's ruined that child of mine. 187 00:10:00,260 --> 00:10:01,440 Bye -bye, Arthur. 188 00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:02,740 Bye -bye, Doctor. 189 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,400 Bye, 190 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:07,960 Mr Capstick. Bye. 191 00:10:15,020 --> 00:10:16,540 Malcolm, has he gone? 192 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,780 Nip upstairs and get us that pack of sherbet lemons. 193 00:10:30,290 --> 00:10:31,290 Hello? 194 00:10:31,650 --> 00:10:33,430 Oh, hello, Morag. 195 00:10:33,830 --> 00:10:36,050 Oh, I'm all of a tip, to be honest. 196 00:10:36,910 --> 00:10:40,070 Yes, Malcolm's birthday. He'll get more care to get for you. 197 00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:44,150 Oh, he's over the moon with it. 198 00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:46,630 You shouldn't be sending him that much. 199 00:10:47,970 --> 00:10:49,630 Yes, his fancy's up for. 200 00:10:51,430 --> 00:10:54,250 Oh, no, I've put a ban on that this year. 201 00:10:55,410 --> 00:10:56,410 How so? 202 00:10:56,730 --> 00:10:57,930 Oh, Mr Merton. 203 00:10:58,330 --> 00:10:59,470 Oh, he's fine. 204 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,260 Well, they're fine. 205 00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,060 He's still in great pain. 206 00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:06,280 Anyway, have you heard about Gordon Gosworth's new car? 207 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:08,260 Electric windows. 208 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,820 I don't know how they plug it in. 209 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,880 Anyway, how are you? 210 00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:18,420 Morag, I'd love to stop and talk, but I must press on. 211 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,480 I'll get Malcolm for you. 212 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,600 Malcolm? 213 00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,820 Is fancy Morag on the phone? 214 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,420 You don't have to rush. It's on air, Bill. 215 00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:31,900 Hello, Auntie Morag. 216 00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:33,860 Thanks for the postal order. 217 00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:37,240 I'm keeping my options open. 218 00:11:39,140 --> 00:11:40,140 Departed at four. 219 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,300 No, Mum's put a ban on that this year. 220 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,060 No, he's not bought that. That's a company car, that. 221 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:52,040 Right. 222 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,360 Right, thanks, Auntie Morag. Bye. 223 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,720 That was Auntie Moorag, ma 'am. 224 00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,860 Oh, she can't half go on, can't she? 225 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:09,200 I know she's my sister, but I can take her a leave at some times. 226 00:12:09,820 --> 00:12:12,800 Mind you, she did push the boat out with that fiver. 227 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,240 Yeah. 228 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,420 Why didn't Auntie Moorag ever marry, ma 'am? 229 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:22,500 Well, there was a man interested in her briefly, but then he was sectioned. 230 00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:24,300 Shame, though, innit? 231 00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:25,700 Yeah. 232 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:27,320 Sometimes in life. 233 00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:32,360 Some people are destined never to meet that special person, and they live the 234 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,060 whole of their lives on their own. 235 00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:38,620 Do you know these are lovely oranges? 236 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:43,160 He's such a cheery man, that Al from the green grocer, isn't he? 237 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:48,200 Yeah. Do you know, his wife has the majority of her brain removed, and you 238 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,200 hear him complain. 239 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:53,500 He told me that he had one of them vegetarians in his shop on Wednesday. 240 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,800 that'll be the new couple that's moved up from London. 241 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,140 Don't you go getting involved with them for now, please. No way. 242 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,780 Don't make them ask, though. 243 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:04,720 Don't slice it all quarters, ma 'am. 244 00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:07,440 Quarters? To the party, Malcolm. 245 00:13:09,380 --> 00:13:11,240 Who wants to be a millionaire? 246 00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:15,280 Well, you can count me in. If I was, you wouldn't have me working here, that's 247 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:19,060 for sure. This is Ackerwilk, and that's my grandson. Who wants to be a 248 00:13:19,060 --> 00:13:20,060 millionaire? 249 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,160 Who wants to wallow in champagne? 250 00:13:29,349 --> 00:13:31,270 I don't. 251 00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:38,470 I don't. And I don't, because all I want 252 00:13:38,470 --> 00:13:39,470 is you. 253 00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:43,550 Who wants to be a millionaire? 254 00:13:44,370 --> 00:13:48,650 I don't. Who wants uranium to spare? 255 00:13:49,430 --> 00:13:54,570 I don't. Who wants to journey on a gigantic yacht? 256 00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:07,570 Did you turn up? 257 00:15:07,020 --> 00:15:09,240 Like a young Tom Cruise. Thanks, ma 'am. 258 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:10,500 Do I look nice? 259 00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:11,219 Oh, yeah. 260 00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:12,380 Like a young Elizabeth Taylor? 261 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:13,820 Yeah. I thought so. 262 00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:18,020 Pop in and wake your dad and let him see you. 263 00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:22,180 Cool, daddy -o. Straight from the fridge. 264 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,560 Dad, got my new jumper on. 265 00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:39,999 like your jumper? 266 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,000 Yeah, with the thumbs up. 267 00:15:41,220 --> 00:15:43,420 Oh, right. Come on, make yourself useful. 268 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,040 Wrap a third bit round each knife and fork. 269 00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:49,280 I've got your Jeff and Dave tape out. Put my rabbit rabbit on? 270 00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:51,940 Yeah. All your favourites. 271 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:57,220 Now, I've not done trifle. People don't want trifle now in the 90s. 272 00:15:57,580 --> 00:15:59,480 Who do you think will arrive first, ma 'am? 273 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:03,140 Oh, I don't know. Maybe Gordon Godfrey in his new car. 274 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:06,520 He's not bought that car, you know, ma 'am. That's a company car, that. 275 00:16:06,780 --> 00:16:07,780 Yes, I know. 276 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,120 Oh, Malcolm, do you remember your 21st? 277 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:17,200 I won't pass the parcel, didn't I, ma 'am? Yes, you did. And you know, I never 278 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,420 told you this, but your dad fixed that for you. Did he? 279 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,900 Yes, he had a little mirror on top of the piano. 280 00:16:23,620 --> 00:16:26,700 Blimey, Charlie, that was one in the eye for Gordon Gosworth. 281 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,980 Yes. Do you remember you won that lovely prize? 282 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,320 What was it? 283 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,299 A comb. 284 00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:33,300 I've still got it. 285 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,520 Mind you. 286 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:39,280 He's too old now for pass the pass, though. We'll have musical statues 287 00:16:39,460 --> 00:16:40,460 It's less competitive. 288 00:16:41,820 --> 00:16:42,820 Tremendous! 289 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,140 Your dad, he used to love playing that piano. 290 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,380 Yeah, he kept losing his balance though, didn't he, Mum? 291 00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:51,980 Yeah. 292 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,540 Right, I'll leave the clean film on there until everybody's here. 293 00:16:56,900 --> 00:16:58,400 Can I have one of them hula hoops? 294 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,460 No, Malcolm, you'll spoil my display. 295 00:17:01,100 --> 00:17:03,140 Now, I'll tell you what there is to offer, everyone. 296 00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:06,819 There's sherry, there's lemonade and diluted orange. 297 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,920 Oh, do you know what I've done, Malcolm? 298 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,420 I've chopped up a real orange, like on the continent. 299 00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:15,119 But only one glass per drink, mind. 300 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,920 Right. Oh, there we go. It's four o 'clock. 301 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,500 It's officially your party. 302 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,420 Come on, everybody. 303 00:17:31,340 --> 00:17:33,220 Oh, go and have a look out the window for them. 304 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,540 Party, party, party. 305 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,040 No sign of anyone yet. 306 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:47,320 Still no sign. 307 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,860 Oh, Mr Deacon's coming down the road. 308 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,700 Why didn't you invite Mr Deacon? 309 00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,720 Oh, yeah, he's got it in his house. 310 00:17:56,140 --> 00:18:00,390 Oh, there are other things going on. in the world apart from your birthday, 311 00:18:00,550 --> 00:18:01,550 Malcolm. 312 00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:02,890 Come on. 313 00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:17,030 Would you 314 00:18:17,030 --> 00:18:25,770 like 315 00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:27,370 another parted beef finger? 316 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:35,990 No. Oh, I know what we'll do. We'll see who was born on the same day as you. 317 00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:39,330 Right. 318 00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:45,510 Born today, Isaac Newton, Desmond Tutu and David Lee Travis. 319 00:18:47,190 --> 00:18:48,770 They're all achievers, Malcolm. 320 00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:51,790 Do you remember David Lee Travis? 321 00:18:52,670 --> 00:18:54,250 No. DLT? 322 00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:57,310 No. The hairy cornflake? 323 00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:59,170 No. Yes, you do. 324 00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:00,670 I don't. You do. 325 00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:03,490 I don't. Do. Don't. Do. Don't. Do. Don't. 326 00:19:05,790 --> 00:19:06,790 Do. Don't. 327 00:19:07,490 --> 00:19:09,950 Oh! Back the light of the nether! 328 00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:11,230 Oh! 329 00:19:12,730 --> 00:19:13,730 Oh, hello. 330 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:14,750 Good morning. 331 00:19:16,270 --> 00:19:17,850 Bring them all through, Malcolm. 332 00:19:19,090 --> 00:19:20,430 Oh, hello, Arthur. 333 00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:24,350 I just popped in to let you know I've got a hospital appointment Friday with 334 00:19:24,350 --> 00:19:28,200 ticker. Oh. Well, while you're here... Why don't you stay for the party? 335 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,240 Oh, no, better not. 336 00:19:30,860 --> 00:19:32,280 Please, Mr Capstick. 337 00:19:32,540 --> 00:19:34,180 Oh, I don't know. 338 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,360 Maybe five minutes. 339 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,540 Come on, Arthur. 340 00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:40,260 Sit yourself down. 341 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,580 Right. Let the party commence. 342 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:51,740 Who's for a potted bee finger? Me. 343 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,540 No need to rush, Malcolm. There's enough for everyone. 344 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,480 Would you like a diluted orange, Arthur? 345 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,840 Oh, thank you. That'll be just the ticky. 346 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,000 Here. 347 00:20:05,260 --> 00:20:06,440 Oh, I'm gone! 348 00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:08,720 Oh, I forgot the orange fly. 349 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,420 It is a celebration. 350 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:36,400 You having fun, Arthur? 351 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:37,680 Yeah. 352 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:06,780 Ten nil to Arthur. 353 00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:10,740 You can't contain your excitement. That's your downfall, Malcolm. 354 00:21:11,140 --> 00:21:12,540 I'm going to have to sit down now. 355 00:21:13,260 --> 00:21:14,660 Kids wear you out, don't they? 356 00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:17,300 Party's in full swing now, isn't it? 357 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:25,000 Shall I bring the 358 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,000 birthday cake in? 359 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:27,840 Tremendous! 360 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,460 Birthday cake and all that? 361 00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:31,420 I don't know, eh? 362 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:33,600 It's all happening. 363 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,220 We've not spent that 50 pence yet, Mr Capstick. 364 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,880 Happy birthday to you. 365 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,460 Happy birthday to you. 366 00:21:56,700 --> 00:22:01,720 Happy birthday, dear Malcolm Merton. 367 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:06,360 Happy birthday to you. 368 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,980 Hip hip! 369 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:10,260 Hooray! 370 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,099 Hip, hip. 371 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,100 Oh, never mind. 372 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:16,100 Right, one big blow. 373 00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:20,580 Ooh, did you make a wish? 374 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,960 I know what you wished for. 375 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,560 Right. Do you like the piece, Arthur? 376 00:22:26,980 --> 00:22:28,680 No, he doesn't agree with me. 377 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,200 Oh. You haven't got any Garibaldis, have you? 378 00:22:31,420 --> 00:22:34,600 Yes, go on, Mark. I'm going to get Arthur a Garibaldi. 379 00:22:36,580 --> 00:22:38,600 They're building a new drive -through, you know. 380 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:40,400 Yes, I heard. 381 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:41,799 Have you? 382 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:42,920 Well, it's not a rumour, then. 383 00:22:43,620 --> 00:22:47,120 Now, do you know what, Arthur? I'm not going to have my piece now. I'm 384 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:48,200 absolutely stuck. 385 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:51,500 Here you are, Mr Capstick. 386 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:52,960 Oh, that looks nice. 387 00:22:54,580 --> 00:22:56,180 A snazzy jump of that, Malcolm. 388 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,500 It's a birthday present off my mum and dad. 389 00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:02,160 Present? I don't know, eh? 390 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,100 And I got a £5 postal order. 391 00:23:05,820 --> 00:23:07,200 You have done well for yourself. 392 00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:11,160 Can I put my tape on now, ma 'am? 393 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,540 We're having a lovely time, Arthur. 394 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:17,880 Yeah. 395 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,400 Do you like chart music, Arthur? 396 00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:21,820 Yeah. 397 00:23:23,460 --> 00:23:27,980 Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, 398 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:31,120 rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit. You've got a beautiful 399 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,120 chin. 400 00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:35,540 You've got beautiful skin. 401 00:23:36,940 --> 00:23:38,860 You've got a beautiful face. 402 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:41,680 You've got taste. 403 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:45,980 You've got beautiful eyes. 404 00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:49,840 You've got beautiful thighs. 405 00:23:51,580 --> 00:23:54,220 You've got a lot without a doubt. 406 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,700 But I'm thinking about blowing you out. 407 00:23:57,980 --> 00:24:00,600 Cause you won't stop talking. 408 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,040 Why don't you give it a rest? 409 00:24:05,380 --> 00:24:10,200 You've got more rabbits than Sainsbury's. It's time you got it all 410 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:17,800 Now you was just the kind of girl to break my heart in two. I knew right off 411 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,820 when I first kept my eyes on you. 412 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:23,260 But now it's hard to know you've been my hero too. 413 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:27,880 With your incest and token, you'll be coming a bit. 414 00:24:44,330 --> 00:24:45,470 Do you like rabbits, Arthur? 415 00:24:46,110 --> 00:24:47,110 No. 416 00:24:47,630 --> 00:24:48,630 Oh. 417 00:24:49,470 --> 00:24:51,310 Which will you be in this time, Malcolm? 418 00:24:51,530 --> 00:24:52,530 Charles or Dave? 419 00:24:52,930 --> 00:24:55,230 Dave. I think he's your favourite. 420 00:24:55,510 --> 00:24:58,350 Well, I'll just get back before it gets dark. 421 00:24:58,890 --> 00:25:00,390 My dynamo's playing up. 422 00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:03,010 Smashing party, Malcolm. 423 00:25:03,770 --> 00:25:04,930 Thanks, Mr Capstick. 424 00:25:05,410 --> 00:25:08,090 Are you going to pop up and see Mr Merton before you go? 425 00:25:08,410 --> 00:25:09,329 Is he awake? 426 00:25:09,330 --> 00:25:10,910 No. I won't bother then. 427 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:13,480 Cheerio, Arthur. 428 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,120 Right, see you Friday. 429 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,720 No, Arthur, it's your hospital appointment. 430 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:19,320 Oh, right. 431 00:25:19,340 --> 00:25:20,940 I must write that down. 432 00:25:22,860 --> 00:25:23,960 See you then, Malcolm. 433 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,900 Oh, Mr Capstead, you've still got your party hat on. 434 00:25:27,220 --> 00:25:28,220 Yes. 435 00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,960 Them potted beef went down well, didn't they? 436 00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:41,300 Yeah. 437 00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:43,420 Nobody touched the ham. 438 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:45,840 I couldn't see you down tomorrow. 439 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:51,220 Oh, I popped up to see him. He's got it all rounded like grapevine. 440 00:25:51,980 --> 00:25:54,900 I think he misses not being able to come downstairs. 441 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:56,399 Do you? 442 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:57,400 Yeah. 443 00:25:58,660 --> 00:26:02,680 Do you think we should put a radio in his room for him? He keeps asking for 444 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:08,940 Do you think you'll be too tired for work tomorrow? 445 00:26:09,820 --> 00:26:12,370 Yeah. Can you phone me a sickie, ma 'am? 446 00:26:12,770 --> 00:26:13,770 Yeah. 447 00:26:14,390 --> 00:26:17,150 Do you know, I'm not doing that thing again where I cut up the oranges. 448 00:26:17,890 --> 00:26:20,850 It looks effective, but ooh, it is pricey. 449 00:26:23,310 --> 00:26:26,470 Can I stop looking at what Ruth Randall has? It's my birthday, ma 'am. 450 00:26:26,950 --> 00:26:28,430 Well, I'll have to check what it's about. 451 00:26:28,870 --> 00:26:30,950 Remember when you couldn't sleep after Wycliffe? 452 00:26:32,710 --> 00:26:36,030 Hey, I'm glad Gordon Gosworth didn't turn up. 453 00:26:36,650 --> 00:26:38,350 You two have never got on, have you? 454 00:26:39,100 --> 00:26:41,340 I think there's a bit of jealousy from his side. 455 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:45,420 Yeah. Anyway, he never invites you to any of his parties, does he? 456 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:49,260 No. Remember the year you turned up anywhere and he wouldn't let you in? 457 00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:52,560 How long did he stand outside looking through the window? 458 00:26:53,380 --> 00:26:54,600 A couple of hours. 459 00:26:55,020 --> 00:26:56,060 It was raining. 460 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:04,200 Hey, you, come on. 461 00:27:04,620 --> 00:27:07,480 It's only twenty past nine. You're not Peter Stringfellow. 462 00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:11,720 You'll sleep well tonight with all the excitement today. 463 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,000 Oh, did you enjoy it? 464 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:17,080 Best birthday ever, Mum. 465 00:27:19,080 --> 00:27:20,080 Now, 466 00:27:21,260 --> 00:27:22,260 you brushed your teeth. 467 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:26,640 Goodbye. Hey, Mum, what was that noise earlier? 468 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:31,080 Oh, nothing. It was just your dad. He swallowed his tongue again. 469 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:34,620 Night, night. Sleep tight. 470 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,400 Don't let the bedbugs bite. 471 00:27:50,830 --> 00:27:52,910 It's been non -stop celebration. 472 00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:57,070 Sometimes I think you're lucky to be bedridden. 473 00:27:59,450 --> 00:28:02,130 Poor Malcolm. 474 00:28:04,390 --> 00:28:06,930 Just Arthur Capstick at his party. 475 00:28:09,770 --> 00:28:11,510 Same as last year.